Oh February, you are deemed the love holiday. Is it just me or do you have a love/hate relationship with this month too? I mean, if you’re in a relationship you can’t wait for February. If you are single, like me (Heyyyo, let’s get to drinkin’), you hate this month. This past year I promised myself one thing: I chose to love myself and practice self-care.
This isn’t the superficial sense of self-love, like exercising regularly and watching less of that trashy TV. I already have that covered. I mean to fully love myself–inside and out.
I asked myself a while back, “Are you proud of where you are today?” Sure, I have an amazing career and business to back me up, and I have had great opportunities but that isn’t really the meat of the question I was asking myself. The question was, “Am I proud of who I am and where I am?” The answer then was no.
In that moment of realization, all the obstacles I had gone through came rushing to my head. I might have cried for my failed relationships and second all the hardships I have encountered, but in the end, I cried hardest for the person I never allowed myself to become.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but in that moment of asking myself that simple question, it all clicked. I chose to start living up to my own potential. To start making myself proud. To start living my truth and not anyone else’s. To truly have self-love unlike anything I have ever experienced. To be the Michelle that I have always wanted to be.
When I first thought of this, I panicked. I mean to love your entire being you have to open up wounds and revisit battle scars that you promised to never look at again, but that’s the beauty of it all.
I wanted to love myself to the point of waking up every morning with a heart overflowing with gratitude for all I was blessed with in life. To love myself unconditionally–quirks, flaws, potty mouth and all. To love myself the way I hoped for someone else to one day love me and unafraid to show it.
I am now strong enough to look back at my past and be like “Michelle, you handled that the best way you could and look where you are at now.” I love that about me. I love my scars and I love the woman I am today because of them.
That’s not to say that life is fine or that I don’t still experience struggles. I experience thoughts of self-doubt on a daily basis. I always think of the “what ifs” that have no right to take up headspace.
Self-love is a process, one that will never be truly complete (wine has become my best friend). There will always be more I could improve on, more I can learn, and more kindness I can show to myself and others.
In the vein of extending that kindness to myself, I constantly need reminding that yes, I am deeply flawed in many ways, but that is what makes me human, and I deserve love anyway. My own love.
I am still on the path to loving myself and to knowing and living my truth. I can say in all honesty that I love myself now more than ever, and I know I will come to love myself more deeply in the future. It’s a freaking process that I have learned to love.
However, no matter where I am in the process of self-love I have to remember…
I am enough and I am loved.